One Full House

updates on it all

2012-01-20T22:23:00.000-08:00

Well I left off last time with my News about having celiac, since then I have lost 8lbs now!
this is amazing for me since i have beat my head on the brick wall of wieght loss just to be mocked by my body and its refusal to let any of it go! well since I have taken gluten out of my diet the wieght is just falling off I have not changed anything i do in my day to day things its just going.

We as a family are hanging in a Limbo land right now we recently were told the people who own the home we are renting are going to be selling the house.....now we had it all set with our realtor to move to another rental I must admit i was in tears over this as both the houses she had I HATED! but then we found out that the owners have not yet filed there papers and will not let us out of the lease just yet so now we sit and wait for them to file the papers or for a forcloser notice to get slapped on the door before we can do anything. This I have to say Sucks! we feel somewhat betrayed and feel like they are only keeping us here to get as much money as they can before they lose there house completley I say betrayed because when we were going to rent the home we were told that as long as we kept the house in good shape and paied our rent on time we would have a place to live unless they moved back to this state well this obviously was a lie..........

Kids well they are all doing well
Jazmine has hit boy crazy stage and I dont know how i am going to survive this one I just take her one day at a time and PRAY alot!

Danielle is doing well her reading is improving and she is learning to play guitar, for christmas we got her, her own guitar so she can practice at home.

Matthew is doing well too he is a straight A student and he is loving his cub scout den he is looking forward to the up coming pinewood derby

Bryan he is doing well we have our days with him where i believe i may just lose my mind! he has gotten alot worse about being repeative on what he wants he just says it over and over and over, water fear I thought we had left that behind us but that was 1 step forward about 10backwards! He still screams, and now has added in the fun of doing everything to avoid it he puts his jammies on in hopes of not having to.......school though he is doing better though he still has his days where he does not want to do his work so his aide has come up with ways to help him understand more that if he does not then there are concequenses to all of that......

Couper ahh my lil man he is almost 2yrs old the time has flown with him! he is talking quite well and I am relieved to see he is not showing any signs of autism I know that sounds bad that i was looking for it but once it happens you just cant help but worry for any kids that follow....

so thats about it for this update so busy in life as you can see......

Celiac What?

2011-11-17T14:11:00.000-08:00

So this post is going to be mostly about me and what i have recently discovered
a little back history though since i was a teenager I have had issues with stomach pain and not feeling good, but every time i went to a doctor about it I was told your fine there is nothing we can see wrong, its all in your head or you have a nervous stomach your just going to have to deal with it or figure out how to calm down....so I have just delt with it all these years, well in August I went to my family doctor and told her about the pain I have that comes and goes and how I feel Nauseated all the time,she thought maybe I had gallstones so I was sent for an Ultrasound that however came back clean so it wasnt that but she said she wasnt sure why i was in pain but wanted to send me to a GI doctor to see if they could find an answer for me.
So last week I saw the GI doctor and we went through my history and the pain I have and one of the first things he asked me was has anyone ever tested you for H.polori or Celiac Disease.......Um no I wasnt even sure what those things were. So he explained that the H.polori was a common stomach infection and the Celiac was Gluten Intolerance so I left with a lab slip had my blood drawn and Yesterday I got a phone call from the GI doctor that I did not have H.polori but I came back Positive for Celiac Disease .............So now I am waiting for the scheadule person to call and set up a time for me to come in and have a Biopsy of my small intestine done can we say NO FUN! but the GI doctor wants to do this for 2 reasons 1. to be able to give a 100% diagnosis and 2. to see how much damage has been done.
So while I am glad to have an answer to know that I was not Crazy that it wasnt all in my head I am angry/sad that I have yet something else that is life long to deal with that some of the issues I have had over the years could have been avoided all together had I known that I had Celiac , I found in research I have done that celiac that is not controlled can cause Infetility and Miscarrige both I have suffered over the years....once the Biopsy is done I will start a Diet that eliminates Wheat,Barley,Rye and Oats....I have had some great friends tell me of stores to get food from cook books to pick up so that I can continue to bake and do the things I love to do......and yet while I know this will be pretty easy to handle just more attention paid to things I am buying I cant help but scream inside and think Why is this happening to me? Wasnt what i have been through enough??? I have diabetes that comes with enough restrictions in life! now I am adding the celiac which is more restrictions more things i have to be aware of and worry about, I know there are far worse things to have to deal with and I am grateful that this something that I can do something about and that i will feel better but I just cant understand why this keeps happening to me.....of course now that I know all of this Now I can fix me! I wont have to be Tired and feeling sick all the time to have to fake that I am feeling fine when really I want to just curl up in a ball and wait for it to stop.......I just wonder to how all the doctors missed this? and why isnt this something that is routinely tested for? its a simple blood test and it could save so much suffering.

long overdue 1yr is to long!

2011-07-18T23:08:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time since I posted life with a baby keeps you busy that and add in 4 older kids....
all the kids are growing so fast these days Jazmine is going to be starting the 8th grade this year, when did that happen? wasnt she just a tiny baby??

Danielle is going into 5th grade, her reading has come a long way this year and she is such a little smart alec keeps us all in fits of laughter all the time......

Matthew is going into 4th grade he is something really all about the rules! just 2wks ago my Aunt set up the slip n slide for the kids to play on and she was going to try it too and Matthew is reading the box and says wait auntie how much do you Wiegh cause this box says up too 108lbs and I think you may be just to big for it and could get hurt..........ummmm lol how do you answer to that??

Bryan is going to 2nd grade and he is still doing well we have made some big progress this summer with water, this boy is so scared of water Im talking screaming crying and darn near climbing walls just to avoid a bath but it was like something clicked and he now lays back so I can wash his hair and tells me see mommy I not screaming I not crying Im a big boy! I cant tell you what a relife this has been so many other things we deal with on a daily basis and we know he cant help it but I am so glad we are leaving the water fear behind because lets face it he has to have bath's and be clean.....

Couper is 16months old now and he is by far my most challanging baby and I love every second of it! he is into everything!!! I never had to child lock anything with my other kids (except the fridge with bryan) but with him I have had to lock every drawer and cabinet in this house otherwise he will empty every one and say see dis? see see! and he climbs and falls alot he always has some new scrape bump or bruise from his climbing.......I swear he is going to give me a heart attack the way he is going.....

And me well I am happy with life things are good I love my guy and my kids and for once it seems that god is smiling down on me

36wks and Nothing wow

2010-03-01T14:20:00.000-08:00

So as of today I am more pregnant then I have been before.with all of my kids i have gone into labor and been done by exactly 36wks but that day has come and gone and I am shocked to say the least.......I fully expected this one to repeat that but Im still pregnant still waiting. I think this one may just hold on to my c-section date of 3/17 and that is totally fine by me if that is what baby wants to do. I am anxious to hold this baby though to not be preg anymore. to have my body back to myself. I am however getting some nice pictures of the baby's chubby lil face. so for now we wait.

Snow,Snow and more Snow!

2009-12-13T11:03:00.000-08:00

The Girls playing Jazmine has one big snowball, Danielle not sure what is with the face

So the last week we have gotten alot of snow! last night we ended up with another foot of snow, the kids Love it though I could do without it. its pretty to look at, but having to go out in it is not my idea of a good time. I took Bryan out into the snow for the first time and poor boy sank to his knees and fell over, trying to help him up had us both in fits of giggles, my feet kept sliding and he couldnt get his feet under him. and he kept saying Help! Help! I fall down Help! The girls lasted the longest out in the snow playing making snowball's but the rest of us went in where it was nice and toasty warm.

Pictures of Baby #5

2009-12-06T11:25:00.000-08:00

Pictures of the lil baby.....as I promised. got to get the older kids to hold still long enough to get some of them

Another Scattered Post

2009-11-28T09:55:00.000-08:00

So its been awhile again since I have been here, of course with 4 kids, and being pregnant with #5 makes finding that time to sit and type a bit harder to come by..... Nothing really big to update about. All the kids are doing well in school, Bryan is talking counting and singing his ABC's now totally amazes me, he can now spell his first name and when asked tell you his full name, quite a big deal for a boy that just 3months ago when asked his name would say NAME! and that was it, All the kids know we are expecting a new brother or sister in Late March and we have 1 for a sister 3 for a brother lol can you guess which of my girls wants the brother so she doesnt have to share her room some more???? Bryan if you ask him he will tell you every time that there is a Baby Brother in mommy's tummy....he may be on to something but we wont know for sure in till baby gets here.

I did talk to my High risk OB about having a VBA2C and much to my shock he said that he didnt see why I couldnt but wanted to run it by another doctor in the practice so as long as both agree and baby is small enough we are talking under 7lbs 14oz I can go ahead and try for a natural birth,I feel like I can quite dreading my Due Date now, cause while giving birth is a wonderful event I hate the anticpation of what is to come knowing it will be c-section. Time is going by Far to quickly for me with the pregnancy though so many more things I still have left to do and so little time to get it done in.....really need to get my self in gear and finish. so thats about it for now ill have to get the new pictures of the baby up from my last Doc vist, and some of the kids.

My Montage 11/12/09 at OneTrueMedia.com

2009-11-12T21:30:00.001-08:00

our newest addition 5yrs longed for

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

A Bill of RIghts

2009-07-01T23:35:00.000-07:00

I Got this off another friends blog but found it very fitting thanks=)

A Bill of Rights For Parents of Kids With Special Needs

We, the parents, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure tranquility (and sanity) and promote the general welfare of our families, do ordain and establish this Bill of Rights.

* We have the right to expect our kids to be seen for who they are as individuals, not as labels or diagnoses.

* We have a right to trust our instincts about our kids and realize that experts don't always know best.

* We have a right to ignore the remarks, questions and stares and not give explanations or excuses for why our children are the way they are.

* We have a right to choose alternative therapies for our kids.

* We have a right to roll our eyes straight out of our heads when we encounter certain mothers who brag nonstop that their kids are the smartest students/best athletes ever.

* We have a right to wonder “What if…” every so often.

* We have a right to play aimlessly with our children. Not for therapeutic or educational purposes—just for fun.

* We have a right to blast Bruce Springsteen/Tom Petty/Any Rocker, down a glass of Pinot Grigio, get a pedicure, go out with the girls or do all of the aforementioned at once if that's what it takes to avoid burnout.

* We have a right to react to people’s ignorance in whatever way we feel necessary.

* We have a right to not always have our child be the poster child for his/her disability and some days be just a child.

* We have a right to go through the grieving process and realize we may never quite be "over it."

* We have the right to give our kids chores. Even better if they can learn to make breakfast in bed for us.

* We have a right to stretch the truth when we fail to do the exercises the therapist asked us to do this week because we were too darn tired or overwhelmed.

* We have a right to have yet more Pinot Grigio

* We have a right to fire any doctor or therapist who's negative, unsupportive or who generally says suck-y things.

* We have a right to tell family and friends that everything may not be OK—at least not how they mean it, anyway.

* We have a right to hope for an empty playground so we don’t have to look into another child’s eyes and answer the question, “What’s wrong with him?”

* We have a right to bawl on the way back from the playground, the birthday party, the mall or anyplace where our children’s challenges become glaringly obvious in the face of all the other kids doing their typical-development things.

* We have the right to give our children consequences for their behavior. They may be “special” but they can still be a royal pain in the ass.

* We have a right to take a break from Googling therapies, procedures, medicine and treatments for our kids to research upcoming concerts, exotic teas or anything not related to our child’s disabilities.

* We have a right to talk about how great our kids are when people don’t get it.

* We have the right to not always behave as inspirational icons who never complain or gripe about the sometimes awful realities of raising a child with special needs.

* We have a right to expect quality services for our children not just when they’re infants, preschoolers and elementary school age, but when they’re in older grades and adults, too.

* We have a right to adequate funding for those services and to not have to kick, scream or endure a wait for them.

* We have a right to get tired of people saying, as they give that sympathy stare, "I don't know how you do it."

* We have a right to wish that sometimes things could be easier.

* We have a right to cheer like crazy anytime our children amaze us—or weep like lunatics.

* We have a right to push, push and push some more to make sure our children are treated fairly by the world

change

2009-05-30T12:13:00.000-07:00

Life as I know has changed........and yet im still not quite sure how I feel....Relife? Emptyness?
its going to take time to set in I think but soon ill blog all about it.

My Son ,My Mircale

2009-03-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

Its been a little bit since I last posted hasnt it?
well to start I am not in the 2WW for those of you that dont know what that means it is refering to the Two week wait for Aunt flow to show....... I went to the RE last week on Friday and was given my Trigger shot and 3 days before I was told I had 2 good follies one on each side I am just praying this time at least 1 takes, all I am asking is Just 1.
Other things happening around here I had Bryan's IEP meeting and He will get moved next year into a kindergarten setting with more teachers less kids and will still get his Speech therapy, OT therapy and Physical therapy, I was glad to hear he will be taken into the Regular Kindergarten rooms ( ok I found that kind of obnoxious Regular/Normal) and get to do art center, Music time and some of the seat work he will however always have A teacher with him to keep him in his seat make sure he dose not hurt another child or become disruptive,if he does they will remove him from the class and take him back to the other room.....he will also get to go on the Field trips to the pumpkin patch and his Kindergarten Graduation, I am so happy that he is progressing he is speaking and blossoming and it is truly a mircale to witness this my boy who went from saying nothing more then No and dada to speaking to me telling me he loves me. Of course there is the Mom part of me that still thinks it is so unfair that he has to struggle to learn these things, and I wonder if he will ever get to be in a regular class setting without someone hovering over him will he ever get to be like the other kids running around playing and socializeing? or will the Autism hold him back and keep him from being able to interact with other kids? I pray each night that he will prove everyone wrong and just be him happy whole and complete but I guess you could say he already is Whole and Complete he is exactly who god intended him to be and perhaps I should accept that and thank him for this precious boy who I get to see achevie big things daily and I witness mircales through each day.

No Longer Unexplained Infertility

2009-03-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

So finally after Months of waiting and then more waiting for a cyst to go away I am on a Medicated
cycle yes thats right please dont faint! I know I wanted too! this cycle I took Femara and later this week I will take an Injection of Bravelle and then wait for my ultrasound and pray we have a couple good eggs,and that we manage to catch one and be blessed with baby #5!
Of course when I went into my RE for my baseline u/s I mentioned (on suggestion of my Friend)
that I thought maybe I could have Pcos and Imagine my surprise when I was told that not only did I have Pcos but that they diagnosied that a year ago, but for whatever reason someone failed to tell me this, I was a bit irratated but glad to know too! that these Long Annov cycles, the painfull periods and the persistant cysts are not because I am crazy but because I have an actual diagnosiable problem! so For now we wait and see how this cycle will pan out and pray that this is the last one I ever have to do.

Jamine's MRI and a Rant

2009-03-03T12:25:00.000-08:00

Well its been a bit since I have written here time just gets away from me.Jazmine had Her MRI finally and I am waiting for the Results of that and to find out where they will send her I have been told now that it will either be UCSF or UC Davis.... I really want this to be taken care of and done. Of course if we are sent to SF we were going to stay with a friend of mine there but I wont be doing that now I found out that Friend Betrayed my trust, my girls Bio dad has nothing to do with them he gave them up when they were 4 and 1 yr well I found out that this friend of mine was telling them information about Jazmine (Bio dad's family) her neck ect and these things were not to be told to them its none of there buissness I know you are probably thinking how could I be so cold not to include them, so I guess I will give a little backround on him and his family, they are the type of people who use someone play on there sympathy to get what they can and when they get found out the drop that person and move to the next sucker.....in 8 yrs they have not bothered to be involved with the girls except when they got a wild hair and decided that now was a good time to butt in, of course I put my foot down and said no more especially when they began defending the actions of the Bio dad, just so many things wrong with them and I dont want them any where near the girls, after all where was he when they had a belly ache or skinned there knee or the first day of school.......sure as heck not here helping them being a dad nope he tucked his tail and Ran! So I am Angry no make the IRATE that this so called Friend of mine had the nerve to go behind my back and give them information they have no right to!

Its been 2yrs

2009-01-25T13:16:00.000-08:00

It had been 2 yrs now since I had my first loss and when I woke this morning I felt like it
was just yesterday that I had lost my precious baby........ I know that things get better but I
never thought that 2yrs later I would still have that empty hole in my heart. I still think of
the baby I lost and wonder boy or girl blonde hair or Brown, blue eyes or Brown? how would
there little personality have fit into our family.....of course I dont know these things and I never
will........I seem to be the only one that remebers today. my husband doesnt even recall....I guess I
cant fault him for that he is after all a guy and never been pregnant so I cant expect him to remeber things like this it doesnt hurt him the way it does me. So to my Dear sweet baby waiting
for me I miss you I love you and someday we will be together again.....

Im being Realistic this time.

2009-01-22T23:40:00.000-08:00

Ok so today I finally recived some good news but I have to say I am not holding my breath
nor am I allowing myself to be hopeful that for once it may turn out right, this time I am
going to be realistic! I went in today and picked up my lab papers from my Endo and of course
Kidneys, cholestorol and everything PERFECT! then went and got my eyes checked still nearsighted but I knew that, was checked for Retenopathy and of course my eyes look great and still baffles the doctors that after 14yrs with Diabetes that my eyes have no issues at all, of course they wont I take care of myself and plan to live and see for a long time to come! with all of these results in hand I went to my final appt for today to the RE and figured we were just talking plan of care and waited for his next stall tactic, surpriseingly no stalling he says we can begin again with medicated cycles when my next cycle starts........then because i have had some bleeding issues he
decided to do an u/s to see what was going on and we found I am in the middle of my cycle ready to ovulate so I recived the trigger shot and now I wait for 2 weeks to see if Aunt flow finds me or if I get that ever elusive baby........but I also know that even if I manage to get the positive preg test doesnt mean I will have a baby after all two other times now I have gotten Preg and then had it all come crashing down around me so I am being realistic I am not hoping I am just waiting seeing what will happen....... I know what my heart wants but I still dont know that it will happen but I still have a hard time seeing Bryan as my last child I have the empty space in my heart and I still pray some day it will be filled but for now I just wait and see what happens next

Veronica

2009-01-18T11:29:00.000-08:00

So today I was sent a song and it made me smile I didnt know there was a song
that had my Name soo I am going to try and post it on here for you all to watch =)

Jaz's Birthmark

2009-01-11T18:32:00.001-08:00

Well I took Jazmine in for her appt with the dermatologist and to my surprise her
birthmark that I was told when she was 3 was harmless is actually a bit more serious then
what I was told...... her Birth mark, has gone deep enough
to get into the Vein and Artery system of her neck there are only a handfull of these things seen in kids her age so she is going to be sent to SanFransico to see a Doctor there who has done nothing but study these things, she is also going to be haveing an MRI to be sure there are no Brain leasions and to see exactly how this thing is sitting and what is Involved easiest route it is self contained and easy to remove, worst end of this it is wrapped around the spinal cord or the aterys and could be cancerous, obviously I am going with the easy route but prepharing for the very worst..... I could slap the doctor from when she was 3 I knew something was up and that Birthmarks dont just Raise up for nothing! and keep growing..... So now I wait for the referals and the appts to start and then the trip to Sanfransico thankfully I have Family that lives near by.....

Ever wonder about the past?

2009-01-03T23:50:00.000-08:00

Ok so tonight's post is just a little different not so much about kids or ttc. but about what could have been, has there ever been someone in your life that you never relized how important they were or how much you needed them untill they were gone? not nessceraly desceased gone but just not an every day part of it, you go from talking every day and laughing and visting with each other to hardly ever speaking, I have and It bothers me, I poured my heart out long ago but was to late, i know silly cheesy story that you hear in movies or books sad part is I get to live it....Yes I love my kids and my life,I love my Husband so dont get me wrong there, and had things not gone the way they did I would not have what I have or be where I am but there are still times where my heart hurts and I wonder what if! what if I had fought a little harder to keep them in my life, but then I guess if I had I wouldnt be here I wouldnt be me now would I? I heard a song yesterday that triggered all these thoughts and I thought I would share it here,

If youre not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If youre not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
Well make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I dont want to run away but I cant take it, I dont understand
If Im not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I dont need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I dont need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If youre not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If youre not for me then why do I dream of you

I dont know why youre so far away
But I know that this much is true
Well make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in youre the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I dont want to run away but I cant take it, I dont understand
If Im not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
Cause I love you, whether its wrong or right
And though I cant be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I dont want to run away but I cant take it, I dont understand
If Im not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms?

Last post of 2008

2008-12-31T20:45:00.001-08:00

This is my Last post for 2008.
I hope that 2009 will bring me and a lot of others i know Happiness. as I reflect back on 2008 there was much sadness and Heartache and I am looking forward to the year being gone.
I hope to Finally get pregnant and carry the baby to term and to spend 2009 expecting that baby.
I hope to get my Son Potty trained, and to Lose the wieght I so desperatly want too! so Join me in the Final countdown and the Final Farewell to 2008 May I NEVER SEE ANOTHER LIKE IT!

Christmas Countdown!

2008-12-22T13:16:00.000-08:00

Well only 3days to Christmas OMG where did the time go? and can you belive it's almost time to close out the year 2008? I cant say I'll be sorry to see it go it brought so much heartache and sadness with it that I will be more then thrilled to see it leave! But the kids are excited for christmas and can hardly stand the wait of course can you blame them?
Its such a Happy time for kids, of course I cant wait to get pictures of Bryan with his Power wheels Jeep but that wont happen till Christmas morning. but once I get them I'll be posting that picture!
On the TTC front still nothing and I am having one of my Annov cycles yet again. I hope it doesnt last to long like Day after chrismtas would be good but really its anyone's guess. I do go back in January though to see my Endo and I am hoping that my HA1C is down to a 7 so that my RE will begin helping me again and that I will have 2009 be my year to have that last little bundle to our family.

Countdown to Christmas

2008-12-10T13:02:00.000-08:00

Well we are on the Count down to Christmas 15 days to go the kids are excited and can Hardly wait. I Finished all my shopping a couple weeks ago and have it all ready to go. now the kids are waiting on Santa to show up! We have plans to go over to CA to vist Family, the kids should have fun though it is an uncomfortable place for me I go.
This year I Braved the Black Friday sales and Mangaed to get the one thing I was after for Bryan he should be plenty excited. Though I dont think I will ever ever go out on that day again to much chaos and people are down right rude and pushy! I had an elderly woman hit me reapetadly with her shopping cart in hopes of moving me thing was I couldnt go anywhere! there were so many people that I couldnt move. and then not to mention the poor guy In NY that got trampled, so sad to see that our society has become that crazy.

It Isnt Fair!

2008-11-24T17:04:00.000-08:00

So yea I whine alot but then I guess since its my blog and not alot of people read it I can do that right? this is the one place I can cry scream throw a fit and not have to feel sorry for it later.
so with that said. It isnt fair! another cycle that is going to end in AF and Im so tired of seeing that annoying disgusting HAG! I want her to go away and leave me along I want a baby! in 4 months I will have been praying for 4 years for a baby and still its unanswered, I have tried everything from no temping and just letting what may be be to going to a RE for help with meds and shots and yet my body mocks me. I hate my body right now I feel fat and Ugly! and it seems its in a conspiracy against me, I try walking, excersieing, watching what I eat and yet no wieght is being lost I cant fit in my size 10 pants and Im not pg..............so why does my body hate me? why wont this work? and who the heck came up with the term Unexplained Infertility!!!!!! Seriously is there more obnoxious Term????????

Thanksgiving...... and medical issues

2008-11-19T14:54:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is about a week away now. and this year I Invited family over and am now cooking for 11 people should be fun I think! I managed to g et a 28 pound turkey! biggest one I have ever seen.
I have started walking 3 miles a day I am so sick of feeling fat! I know its all pretty much useless untill i get on the right dosage of meds for my thyroid but I have to feel like I am doing something to lose the wieght.
Still in the wait for having baby #5 Hoping when the next HA1C is done that its were it should be and that my RE will start my treatments again. In the mean time we are still trying on our own and praying that god see fit to bless us sooner rather then later.

On the kids front Bryan's speech has blossemed he is talking so well now! though I have to watch him closely now, a couple weeks ago he decided that he was going to wake me a new way which ment he climbed on my bed and jumped on me cracking my collar bone! I have not felt such pain in years. thankfully it is healing nicely and I am able to move my arm again with out wanting to scream.
Matt and Jazmine both got Pefect attandence awards for the first quater of school, I am so very proud of both of them! Danielle poor girl didnt get one as she got sick a few weeks ago and missed 1 day of school.
Matt is going into an orthodontist to have them look at his under bite its causeing him some discomfort.
And Jazmine will likely be having her Hemangioma Removed off the back of her neck it is getting larger and while she is tired of not being able to pull up her hair without comments, Her pediatrican is worried about it developing into something more then what it is so recomends it be removed sooner rather then later.

Nov is here and my arms are still empty

2008-11-10T00:32:00.000-08:00

So we are in November and as the days go my heart is getting heavier, I should be getting ready to have a baby right now but because I lost that baby there is no baby to prephare for, I walk past the stockings in the store and think to myself I should be buying a new one this year, and then As I walk past the baby clothes the christmas outfits catch my eye and the thought passes through my mind I should be over there decideing which one to get, but Im not cause there is no baby to buy it for. My heart is hurting more then I let on even my husband doesnt know how bad im hurting. I dont understand why I keep loseing them, I thought the 1st miscarrige was hard and that when I got pregnant again that I would carry that baby and be holding him/her by mid November but my plans were dashed and Im still left with empty arms. I cherish my kids that are here with me and spend my time with them but I cant help but think of the 3 that have left me in the last 2yrs, what would they look like, what kind of temperment would they have? would they have there daddies Brown eyes or my blue, blonde hair or brown. Of course I wont know these things till I see them again in Heaven.....so In short my heart is hurting and I just am losing hope that I will ever have another baby. I found a poem that fits for me right now its not my poem but I thought it was Beautiful and it fits........
Today is the due date
For you to be born.
But all I have is
An emptiness to mourn.

Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is cold.

This should have been the time
For the anticipation of your arrival.
But no one seems to be remembering
To share in my grief or sorrow.

You were a life
Created from love.
You were a gift
That was sent from above.

Why couldn't you join us
To become a family of Seven .
You'd have had parents who loved you
And a brother whom you'd adore.

But Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is cold.

Grandma's birthday is getting nearer.
The date we told your brother you would be here.
Instead of excitement, joy, and celebration,
I shed yet another tear.

Your nursery is still the computer room.
Your bassinet is down in a box.
Your blankies remain folded
With your tiny baby clothes and your cute little socks.

There isn't a day that goes by
When I haven't thought of you.
Calculating how far along my pregnancy would be
Or how big my tummy would be getting, too.

But Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is cold.

I know that you have gone
To a much better place.
Knowing that the grace of God
Is shining on your face.

I see another baby.
I think of you then, too.
Wondering what you'd have looked like
As you giggle, cry, and coo.

But I will never know these things
Because you will never be here.
But in my heart you'll always be
My baby, my angel, my dear.

It doesn't make it easier.
For the pain I have is still here.
I will never forget you, my little one.
That fact remains quite clear.

But Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is still cold.

Dissapointed but I should be used to it!!

2008-11-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

When will I learn? Thanksgiving is coming at the end of the month and my Mom said she was going to be here,well now she calls me today and say's that she wont be here till the 29th or 30 blowing the plans I had for making dinner and spending some time with her. Not that I am not used to this but when will I learn? when will I stop feeling like that stupid 10 year old little girl waiting for her mom to show up and then she never does? I am tired of feeling stepped on. My siblings she never lets them down always me always! she has done this to me since I was 6yrs old!!! you would think I would know by now after 21yrs not to get my hopes up to know that she is going to let me down again and again! I just dont understand her. I think back and every memory I have of her is one of dissapointment I barely know the women I lived with my father from the time I was 4 on and she never came to see me ever and every time she said she would she would flake out or not show up and I'd be sitting there waiting for her to come. I hate feeling like that little kid all over again. I guess eventually I will learn to stop hoping for the impossible that I will never have the mom I hoped for, all I can do is learn from this and pray I never make one of my kids feel this way that they will always know that they matter and that I will always follow through on what I tell them! Always!!!

Halloween and the perferct Timeing NOT

2008-10-31T13:13:00.000-07:00

Tonight is Halloween!!! Looking forward to taking the kids out tonight I am hoping that the Rain we are due to have holds off untill the kids are done trick or treating. of course we have a plan in place for tonight for Bryan, we plan to go to all the houses we normally would but the scary one's we wont take him up to unless he wants to, and if he gets to upset or scared one of us will take him home while the other continues T or Ting with the other kids. I will have to put up pictures later tonight.
Oh and of course Just in time for Halloween My favorite friend showed up to vist me taking me just 6 months away from 4yrs of trying for baby #5, though we did decide to go ahead and wait till Jan for the help so that we can give the kids the christmas they deserve, after not like I can tell them sorry kids No christmas this year. and to add more concern my Puppy is sick we dont know why or whats wrong so I have been bribing him with little treats here and there to get him to eat. I wanted to take him to the vet but they have no openings right now so he has to wait and in the meantime I pray he gets better on his own.

A Vent of sorts

2008-10-29T15:34:00.000-07:00

So today I have been thinking far to much or maybe I havent I have been told in the past that I over think things that I am to senstive with things so that caused me to hide my feelings deep down in me and not letting anyone know when Im hurt or upset, So things that I have been feeling latley have just stayed hidden though I feel like I shouldnt, I hate feeling like I am being ignored I speak and nothing no respones its like Im invisable or didnt say a word! It makes me want to scream but the rational me just Ignores and never says a word. or the constant over look by family that belive well she strong she doesnt need our support so instead lets just ignore her and deal with the liars and users lets cater to them!! and I hate that I am not strong enough to speak up and say stop stepping on me stop pretending like I dont matter! Like I will always be here no matter what you do or dont do. I dont have any friends I have people I know but I wouldnt say they are my friends they only call me or come around when they need something from me! like a sitter or someone to listen to them talk then Im there friend, The only friends I have I have found on the Internet but I wonder what they really think of me? do they find me Odd or do they think I say innaproprate things? so In the end I guess it comes to me being insecure with myself not knowing if I am bothering someone. So I will continue to be be silent except here! I will just continue.................

Test, Improvment and Happiness

2008-10-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

Well all the tests have come back and it shows that I have High levels of thyroid Antibodies, proving that I have Hashimotos Thyroiditis. My Doc has decided to wait just yet on doing anything with my meds till my next blood Draw in Jan, the good news I got from my Endo was that Instead of waiting till Jan to have my Next HA1C done that I can come in when I am ready and have it checked again. If it is down to a 7.0 I can go ahead back to my RE and begin the process of TTC yet again.

Bryan had his 6month IEP meeting today and his teachers are impressed with his improvment, He is actually talking to the other kids at times and a big step for him He is now sitting on a swing and moving himself with his foot! when before he would go no where near that swing, Im so proud of him He is understanding phrases now about Wait and my turn. He will now tell me It my turn! his Physical therapist showed me some exercises to do with him to help get him off his toes and improve his balance, poor boy can be walking and for no reason fall on his face. so Im hoping these streatches will help him.
the rest of the kids are doing well loving school and doing well in it. and of course we are still moving forward with our Adoption my Husband has wanted for the last 6yrs to adopte both my girls from my previous marrige, nothing stands in the way of that just getting the papers filled out filed and approved! I guess when there Bio father gave up his rights it was a blessing, at the time I thought it was about the worst thing anyone could do but now I see that God had other plans cause had he not done that I dont know that we would ever be able to go through with the adoption........... but because of his poor choice we can and soon my girls will be Known as Serrano and no longer have to carry a name niether of them wants.

Baby #5 where are you?

2008-10-09T23:10:00.000-07:00

So Im begining to think that I am in the middle of some sick cosmic joke, or maybe I did something to piss god off? Though As much as I try to figure out how I may have done that i cant think of a reason, Maybe I wasnt kind enough to my family? or maybe I wronged someone along the way?and so to punish me for this I am no longer able to have babies. I think back to when I was a little girl and when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew I up I proudly announced that I wanted to be a Mommy! and I was going to have lots of kids. well I have done that my dream never changed.all I am asking is to be blessed with one more child one more blessing. but I am starting to think no one is listening. what do I do to get someone to listen how do I kick this body of mine back into working?????
I have Hope though that it can be done,one of my Friends in the Internet world is now pregnant with a baby about 3months along and for a long time she didnt think it would happen for her that maybe her eggs were to old but they werent and early next year she will be holding her little blessing, so Maybe I can do it too? Just keep trying at this and praying that it works but at the same time I cant help but wonder if I just am not ment to have that 5th baby?

TTC on hold yet again

2008-10-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

So I had my appt yesterday with my Re and I fully expected to be starting another medicated cycle. So imagine my shock when he tells me he wants to wait untill my next HA1C and that isnt till January!
All of this because he had me consult with a Perinatologist and the guy was the Defintion of an Ass! He uses scare tactics and tried to lump me in with every other Diabetic he has come across insisting I was unhealthy and very sick and that He was soo sure I had Kidney and Heart damage. I knew he was full of it! Last week I saw my Endo (Diabetic Doctor) and went over everything the Peri had said and my Endo agreed that he was full of it! that I was very healthy and not a thing wrong with me. and no reason I couldnt contiue on my quest for a baby.
So When I saw my RE he wanted to make both docs happy so he is going for an inbetween my last HA1c was like 7.6 and the RE wants it down to a 7.0 so that the Peri is happy never mind that my diabetic doc said I was fine, though he did say that he wants to see my HA1c at a 6.5 but with the way I manage everything and my health he wasnt worried. So last night I spent alot of time upset and not knowing quite what to do or think., but Bryan and I talked and decided that since I wont recive any help till my February cycle that we would try on our own still but no temping and to make sure of that He threw away my BBT. He is hopefull that we can get pg on our own I am not as hopefull as he is I still just dont see how this is going to work out for me.
I suppose ill be in a better mind set soon but for now im still hurting still crushed and still very angry at the Idiot peri who thought he knew everything without ever knowing a thing!

Hashimoto's.......TTC and the Kids

2008-10-03T20:52:00.000-07:00

Well were to start? I guess on the TTC Front, I thought I was pg from our medicated cycle but turned out it was a chemical or a faulty test. so now we are waiting for a new cycle to start and go from there. I am also being tested for Hashimoto's Disease I have a low thyroid already but my Endo belives it has finally given out and is the reason for my Wieght gain in the last 5 months. If those test's come back + I will be on a higher dose of Meds for that and hopefully feel better.
with as hard as having another baby has been It still amazes me how people just dont think about how there comments will make you feel. things like well you have kids already 4 is alot you dont need anymore. Or the most irratating one Just Relax it will happen...........Ummm if that was the case i would have had a baby a couple years ago!
Not alot else going on Kids are in school and doing well Jazmine brought home her Progress report and she did great! all A's and B's so proud of her! Danielle did well to , she is being tested for Dyslexia as she is haveing imense problems learning to read and switches her letters, Im hoping to get her some help with this as her and I are so alike that we end up getting on the others nerves and I am not able to help her. Matthew is doing well too,though he is having problems staying on task but I think that will happen eventually after all he is only 6!
Bryan well he is speaking even more today he surprised me and said Mommy look Bicycle!! and then he was naming off everything he saw Tree, Car, Truck Bird, Helicopter, I could listen to him all day! So that's about it for now. maybe some day my Blog will be very entertaining lol but for now im pretty boring.

My time Flys

2008-09-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

We are in September now well almost October.
Bryan is now Speaking more clearly he says 4words at a time now. And he tells me I love you music to my ears I must say! He has started doing what his teachers call approperaite play.and we are slowly moving toward potty training.
On the baby Front we found that I do have MTHFR gene mutation. We since moved on to a new med with the RE I see and are now waiting to see if this cycle will work out and we will finally see Baby #5 after almost 4yrs of trying.
My other children they are doing well. Jazmine is 10 now and becoming quite the young lady. dosent seem like she is as old as she is.
Danielle well she is my Girly girl kinda does her own thing never following anyone in anything unless its what she wants to do. such an amazing child.
and then my Matthew such a sweet boy some woman is going to be a lucky woman one day he makes my heart melt with his sweetness and love.
going to try and make it more of a habit to post more often.

Finally getting somewhere one step forward 2 steps back

2008-04-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

Well we finally got the Referal for bryan to see a pediatric Neurologist and we can finally get his Dignosis on paper. I guess the biggest thing on my mind right now is we once again had just a Tease I found out we were preganat again and not more then 3 wks later I again suffered a loss. We are now in the midst of getting tests done to see if there is some reason I keep loseing babies. I feel like such a Failure I wanted this baby as much as I wanted the one before it and yet my prayers went unanswered. I am just praying that the testing shows me something we can fix

Autisim................How Harsh!

2008-03-10T23:31:00.000-07:00

So its been awhile since I last blogged. Many things have changed and yet so many have stayed the same. First lets start with the kids Little Bryan is indeed Autistic. We are still in the process of getting his Diagnosis on paper but, it has been said tested and its know. It breaks my heart when I look at him he is such a sweet boy. how can my boy not be ok? He shows so many signs that I dont know how it wasnt seen sooner. He has frequent melt downs. Screams and covers his ears over every day noises like a Vaccumm, Blender, flushing Toilet. things like that. He is however starting to Speak words i understand! I am one proud momma for this, he now tells me I Love you. I waited 3 yrs to hear my son tell me that.
Matt my 1st son he is just about 6 now. He has recently started to regress and has been wetting his pants. No idea why but we will make it through.
Danielle she is going to be 7 in 2weeks!!! amazing how time flys. she is quite independent and definatly marches to the beat of her own Drum.
and Jazmine well lol she is 9 going on 30! that girl somedays drives me insane so opinonated and bossy! but in many ways I am so glad she says what she thinks definatly not a shy one.
And lastly the Ever elusive baby #5 we have hit the 3yr mark of trying to add that final little one to our family and seem to be no closer to that goal. I wonder at times if it isnt time for me to just pack it up and forget the thought. maybe god or my body are telling me NO MORE!!! I guess time will tell.

Babies, Kids and other stuff

2007-10-18T20:37:00.000-07:00

So its been awhile since I last blogged now hasnt it? Not much has really changed still trying
to Concieve that ever elusive Baby #5, We have now moved up to 100mg of Clomid the first month on this Dose I didnt ovulate at all, our 2nd Dose I belive we had a chemical pregnancy,I was getting lines on Hpt''s and then suddenly nothing and AF was late by 3 days,Now onto this month I am in the waiting phase of will I ovulate will I get pregnant or will it be another cycle come and gone?
I get the feeling my Husband is begining to lose intrest in this last baby of ours though he does ask now and then if we are still going to keep trying? He says he dosent want to give up. But his actions make me think otherwise.....Though I suppose I should just let it go and not push him.
I wonder at times if I should push harder for Counseling to help our marrige he insists that we dont need help that things are fine but I see things in a much differant light then he does,I see the distance he puts between him and the kids, and it is Disturbing to say the least. We also recently found that our Son Bryan does in Fact have Aspergers syndrome, he is almost into the program at our local school that will help him with his speech though i have seen great improvement here at home with him,It has been many days of working with him meltdowns and tantrums but the lights are starting to flicker on I pray it just keeps getting better.

Splenda's Bad!

2007-08-17T20:29:00.000-07:00

So today I made a sad and disturbing find, I used to use Splenda a sweeter to make koolaid as I am Diabetic so Shouldnt have any sugar, i had stopped using it around Feb when I found then that it wasnt a good thing to be useing I now wish I had stopped useing it much sooner I read today that useing splenda can cause a loss of pregnancy! How can the makers of this stuff put it on the market and let people consume it knowing what it could do? Now Im left with my thoughts of was it the splenda I used on more then one occasion that caused the lose of my baby? Had I not used it would I be in 2wks getting ready to welcome a new child into my Family, Sadly that isnt something I will ever know for sure. I just find it so madding that they will put a label on a hair dryer that reads "DO NOT SUBMERGE IN WATER MAY CAUSE ELECTRIC SHOCK" but they will leave out something like this on something I thought was a safe alternitive!

Flashing Light Ohhh the wonders!!!

2007-08-15T11:15:00.000-07:00

So I seem to have found a way to get bryan to walk flat footed!! amazing what one pair of shoes that have flashing lights will do!! we got him the shoes a few days back and he is facenatied by the lights and the lights wont flash unless he walks flat. The girls are leaving for the weekend to grandma's so that seperates the two that fight all the time and leaves me with half the kids and half the work.
Some other thoughts that i have been mulling over I have been having dreadfull dreams of getting preganat again and then losing that baby as well I am worried that in getting preg again that I will have the same outcome or have another doctor that wants to rush things and we end up losing another precious baby. so far this month is looking well the pattern seems to be mimicking my past charts all I can do at this point is wait and Pray that this is my month that this month will finally bring that final person to our family.

Another post.....kind of a gripe

2007-08-10T10:45:00.000-07:00

Well lets touch on the last couple days around here.
My husband and I are into this whole trying for a baby thing and we will see if this month shows anything at all. Yesterday the kids had me a wits end all day it was whining and argueing about nothing inparticular just whining because they can i think. Something more important thou Bryan got accepted into the early childhood development class so we are hopefull that this will help him learn to speak better among other things, the teacher did observe that he walks on his toes and when he runs he dosent bend his knees wich results in him falling down alot. they feel he will benifit from Physical therapy as well as Speech so next step is to get them all the paper work from his therapist in Reno and see what we do from there. I was relived to be told that he dose not have to be potty trained as origanly I was told he had to be 90% trained or they wouldnt accept him so who ever told me that was mistaken. school starts in 2wks i cant belive how fast the summer has just flown by. next thing we know it will be christmas time again........

A good Appointment ..... Sorta?

2007-08-07T22:27:00.000-07:00

So today I had my yearly check with the Gyno and I brought up my lose in January I was told at the time that I had an eptopic but after disscussing the facts with her she dosent think it was Eptopic at all that my previous doc was wrong, that the baby/ies were in the right place but that the preganacy failed, it dose however leave me with lingering thoughts and questions. Like what if we had waited another week or 2 would things have been ok? should i have not taken his word for it and waited? my numbers for those of you who know what they mean started at a hcg of 18 then 4 days later and Hcg of 200 and the day of my loss I was told that in 2wks I had only moved to 279 sooo I suppose that means the pg was failing. I feel it wieghing more heavaly on my mind since my due date was September 22nd and that date is aprouching fast. I feel good though knowing I am healthy and can have another baby if I so disire . for the time being thou we are concentrating all our time on the other kids.

A begining Peek Into my Life

2007-08-06T22:34:00.000-07:00

So this is my First attempt at blogging I figured it was time for me to have a place to write down all
the funny things, or things I find funny down and the day to day going's on in my home. to start I have 4 kids, Jazmine 9, Danielle 6, Matthew 5 and Bryan 3. Add to that two Doxie's who think they are people and a husband who is teriffic but is at times like another child.
Yesterday was Jazmine's Birthday she had a ball and recived more presents then I know where to put,of course while Bryan (my husband) was out BBQ for everyone we came to the subject of the cat we werent exactly sure where he had gone yet again and as if to answer my question he popped his Head and front paws from under the house quite and amusing sight.
All the kids are excited for school to start but I dont think any of them are as anxious as I am, I love having them home for the summer and enjoy every moment I spend with them but I appreciate having the time to just me to clean or do whatever else needs to be done. This year has over all has been alright it started off hard for me and my husband , but has sense improved we decided to add another additon to our family but have yet to succed my son Matthew is convinced that we will have 2 sister babies by christmas time and nothing I can say or do will change his mind, he is totally set on a sister and I have been informed by him that no Brother babies can be brought home! I love the way there little minds work. Little bryan now he is a kick we have been working with him on talking as he has a speech Delay and yesterday my Husband was trying to get him to say Daddy well that didnt go over quite as Daddy expected after a few minutes Bryan pointed to daddy and Proclaimed him Poopy!! well it was a word right? not the one looked for but a word. So ok this is the first post I hope you enjoyed the first peek into my life