Jazmine and Healing

Well it's almost August and the kids will be back in school soon how did the summer
Fly by so fast???
I'll be spending my first ever birthday away from jazmine I have never not been there for her birthday so it makes me rather sad knowing she is 2states away and I won't be there to sing to her....though I plan to make it up when she comes home in Sept, we did get to see her for 4 days over 4th of July and the progress she has made is amazing she is a new kid and has so many goals set for herself I can't wait to see what she does.

                                             (Jazmine first on the right)
All the other children are doing well and have been great with helping around the house since I have been sick since the beginning of June started with a simple uti and then slid into meningitis followed by the loss of my ability to speak,then bronchitis I am hoping I'm done being sick now as it puts such a strain on everything.'........

I also made it through another May I still miss Hudson more than ever but I can feel some healing finally, I recently held a friend's newborn baby and for the first time in 2yrs I felt complete joy like I used to feel when I held babies this was a big deal because before I just couldn't hold babies and the few I did hold it would break me inside and I would hand the baby back and get out of the area as quick as I could and honestly I'd cry , cry for the son I couldn't hold,cry because of the pain ripping me apart. So it's good to have some healing and I thank heavenly father for healing me at least a little, also knowing I'll be with him again someday helps me keep going.

New Beginnings

Well it would seem that new beginnings are happening in the last month we have had 2 baby goats make there appearance, and a Lamb, the lamb was a Surprise had no idea the female was even expecting we are still waiting on
ducklings....

a

Another new beginning Jazmine started a boot camp this month and just finished the acclimation phase and is now a Cadet! she has until September before she will be home but we are hoping this makes her a better person and points her in the right direction for life, she seems to be doing very well there except for a small hiccup at the very start

4th from the right front Row

 everyone else is doing well,though I am dreading May as it gets closer I have found myself having more frequent panic attacks, the night that my world fell apart replays in my mind again and again, and I find all I can do is pray,pray for peace,pray for the image's to stop, pray for the panic that sets in to leave me.....though it doesn't seem to be working,sleep is harder and I find myself laying awake wondering why? I know he had his purpose that it was something that was going to happen in my life and yet I still ask my self why me? ill just be glad when the Month of may if over and I can stop dreading that day for another year.

 

Making my Blog a little more public

 So I think for the first time ever I am going to make this Blog more public....let people see the me
that most don't see, We have some events coming up soon a couple  I Would rather not think about
really and a few that will be fun.

Couper is now 5 and in Preschool, he loves being with the other kids and getting to play but he is
picking up things from them that I could really do without and I am now seriously considering Homeschooling him.

Bryan is doing well has all A's and B's he does a lot for himself now he can make his own lunch
clean his room and likes to help feed our animals

Matthew is almost 13! he is so tall now taller than I am, still loves the Video games and can tell you just about everything about them. He is such a good boy and is managing his diabetes quite well, poor kid has been dealt a rough hand when it has come to his health but he has taken that in stride.

Danielle will be 14 Saturday and she went out for Volleyball this year but did not make the team but there is always next year, she has become quite the social butterfly this year,
She also got her braces back In Oct and the poor kid just hates them but looks forward to the straight
teeth that will follow

Jazmine......ah jazmine we have had a lot of problems over the past few months and i have shed many many tears, she will be going to a Boot Camp through The National Guard in April and be there until September, when she gets home she will have Graduated High School, there is a part of me that knows she needs this and it will help her so much, but there is the Part of me that just breaks knowing all she is going to miss out on and that I cant give it to her later, I just have to hold on to the knowledge that this is what is best for her and that I love her so much I am willing to do whatever I have to help her and I pray that she will see that eventually.

Our Family as a whole is doing well, we are waiting on two of our Goats to have babies and I guess it could be any day now, and 1 of our Ducks is sitting on about 8 eggs so we have ducklings to look forward to as well.......I don't think we will be keeping any of the babies but it will be fun to see them while we have them.

Grieving my heart hurts

I  Can hardly believe that its been almost 2years since I was pregnant with my Son, almost 2 years
not sure how that much time has passed, when most days I still feel like it was just yesterday
most days I still feel like I am walking through and unimaginable hell that I beg to wake up from
knowing there is no way to wake up from this, knowing I must find someway to make it through
another day and wondering when it gets better??
No one seems to care that Hudson was here no one remembers him outside of myself and my Husband, and it breaks my heart such a precious little boy to be pushed out of Family and friends
minds so easily like he was never here, No one ever says his name, no one ever mentions him, if  I
mention him I get one of two responses a polite smile and nod or an uncomfortable silence where I feel almost like I should apologize for talking about him.......What I wouldnt give for someone to look at me and ask How are you doing? to speak his name......but I guess every mother who has lost a child and had to bury said child goes through this hell wishing that someone would remember there
little one wishing it was a dream a very bad dream she was going to wake up from, but unfortunatly even when i wake up its all still here the pain the heartache the sadness..

7months down

I have had a very rough year to say the least, I found out in March of this year I was  expecting baby #6 we were so thrilled that the last baby for our family was coming,we had a few ultrasounds that showed baby measuring almost 2wks behind but at my nt scan baby was suddenly measuring right on track and I felt I could relax , then on May 24th it all went down hill we went in for an elective scan and found out we were expecting baby boy #4 I left happy planning in my head for him not knowing what was coming that evening I sat down for dinner and felt a gush I knew right then I was bleeding, I got to the nearest ER and they took me in for an ultrasound and showed my son very much alive he was kicking and moving all over, back in the room the doctor came in and told me i had a large bleed and I would likely lose the fetus, those words still ring In. my ears FETUS he was a baby a boy he had a name and I informed her of that fact, they said I was being sent home, I questioned the safety of this and what if I had my son at home? I was told that if I did I might see soon tissue but nothing more,I knew then the Dr was nuts at 4months the baby is fully formed, I went home not realizing I could have requested a transfer to my Obs hospital....I got home and spent the night awake in pain and suffering, then at 5:30am I gave birth to my son Hudson Avery Hunter Wright he was 6inches long and 2ounces,Hudson was born alive his few moments here with me I treasure he grabbed my pinky moved legs scrunched his face and then he was gone  my husband was all I had to help me, I thank God everyday that  every thing went text book as I was later told by my ob that i could have bleed to death before we could have gotten help, we live a good 54  mins from a hospital. we had him cremated ....my heart is broken its been 7months and I'm still broken  im told it gets better but so far I don't see it, since losing Hudson I have had  2 early miscarriages, and lost my dog of 8yrs so as I said its been a rough year praying 2014 brings happiness and healing and my rainbow baby

updates on it all

Well I left off last time with my News about having celiac, since then I have lost 8lbs now!
this is amazing for me since i have beat my head on the brick wall of wieght loss just to be mocked by my body and its refusal to let any of it go! well since I have taken gluten out of my diet the wieght is just falling off I have not changed anything i do in my day to day things its just going.

We as a family are hanging in a Limbo land right now we recently were told the people who own the home we are renting are going to be selling the house.....now we had it all set with our realtor to move to another rental I must admit i was in tears over this as both the houses she had I HATED! but then we found out that the owners have not yet filed there papers and will not let us out of the lease just yet so now we sit and wait for them to file the papers or for a forcloser notice to get slapped on the door before we can do anything. This I have to say Sucks! we feel somewhat betrayed and feel like they are only keeping us here to get as much money as they can before they lose there house completley I say betrayed because when we were going to rent the home we were told that as long as we kept the house in good shape and paied our rent on time we would have a place to live unless they moved back to this state well this obviously was a lie..........

Kids well they are all doing well
Jazmine has hit boy crazy stage and I dont know how i am going to survive this one I just take her one day at a time and PRAY alot!

Danielle is doing well her reading is improving and she is learning to play guitar, for christmas we got her, her own guitar so she can practice at home.

Matthew is doing well too he is a straight A student and he is loving his cub scout den he is looking forward to the up coming pinewood derby

Bryan he is doing well we have our days with him where i believe i may just lose my mind! he has gotten alot worse about being repeative on what he wants he just says it over and over and over, water fear I thought we had left that behind us but that was 1 step forward about 10backwards! He still screams, and now has added in the fun of doing everything to avoid it he puts his jammies on in hopes of not having to.......school though he is doing better though he still has his days where he does not want to do his work so his aide has come up with ways to help him understand more that if he does not then there are concequenses to all of that......

Couper ahh my lil man he is almost 2yrs old the time has flown with him! he is talking quite well and I am relieved to see he is not showing any signs of autism I know that sounds bad that i was looking for it but once it happens you just cant help but worry for any kids that follow....

so thats about it for this update so busy in life as you can see......

Celiac What?

So this post is going to be mostly about me and what i have recently discovered
a little back history though since i was a teenager I have had issues with stomach pain and not feeling good, but every time i went to a doctor about it I was told your fine there is nothing we can see wrong, its all in your head or you have a nervous stomach your just going to have to deal with it or figure out how to calm down....so I have just delt with it all these years, well in August I went to my family doctor and told her about the pain I have that comes and goes and how I feel Nauseated all the time,she thought maybe I had gallstones so I was sent for an Ultrasound that however came back clean so it wasnt that but she said she wasnt sure why i was in pain but wanted to send me to a GI doctor to see if they could find an answer for me.
So last week I saw the GI doctor and we went through my history and the pain I have and one of the first things he asked me was has anyone ever tested you for H.polori or Celiac Disease.......Um no I wasnt even sure what those things were. So he explained that the H.polori was a common stomach infection and the Celiac was Gluten Intolerance so I left with a lab slip had my blood drawn and Yesterday I got a phone call from the GI doctor that I did not have H.polori but I came back Positive for Celiac Disease .............So now I am waiting for the scheadule person to call and set up a time for me to come in and have a Biopsy of my small intestine done can we say NO FUN! but the GI doctor wants to do this for 2 reasons 1. to be able to give a 100% diagnosis and 2. to see how much damage has been done.
So while I am glad to have an answer to know that I was not Crazy that it wasnt all in my head I am angry/sad that I have yet something else that is life long to deal with that some of the issues I have had over the years could have been avoided all together had I known that I had Celiac , I found in research I have done that celiac that is not controlled can cause Infetility and Miscarrige both I have suffered over the years....once the Biopsy is done I will start a Diet that eliminates Wheat,Barley,Rye and Oats....I have had some great friends tell me of stores to get food from cook books to pick up so that I can continue to bake and do the things I love to do......and yet while I know this will be pretty easy to handle just more attention paid to things I am buying I cant help but scream inside and think Why is this happening to me? Wasnt what i have been through enough??? I have diabetes that comes with enough restrictions in life! now I am adding the celiac which is more restrictions more things i have to be aware of and worry about, I know there are far worse things to have to deal with and I am grateful that this something that I can do something about and that i will feel better but I just cant understand why this keeps happening to me.....of course now that I know all of this Now I can fix me! I wont have to be Tired and feeling sick all the time to have to fake that I am feeling fine when really I want to just curl up in a ball and wait for it to stop.......I just wonder to how all the doctors missed this? and why isnt this something that is routinely tested for? its a simple blood test and it could save so much suffering.