It Isnt Fair!

So yea I whine alot but then I guess since its my blog and not alot of people read it I can do that right? this is the one place I can cry scream throw a fit and not have to feel sorry for it later.
so with that said. It isnt fair! another cycle that is going to end in AF and Im so tired of seeing that annoying disgusting HAG! I want her to go away and leave me along I want a baby! in 4 months I will have been praying for 4 years for a baby and still its unanswered, I have tried everything from no temping and just letting what may be be to going to a RE for help with meds and shots and yet my body mocks me. I hate my body right now I feel fat and Ugly! and it seems its in a conspiracy against me, I try walking, excersieing, watching what I eat and yet no wieght is being lost I cant fit in my size 10 pants and Im not pg..............so why does my body hate me? why wont this work? and who the heck came up with the term Unexplained Infertility!!!!!! Seriously is there more obnoxious Term????????

Thanksgiving...... and medical issues

Thanksgiving is about a week away now. and this year I Invited family over and am now cooking for 11 people should be fun I think! I managed to g et a 28 pound turkey! biggest one I have ever seen.
I have started walking 3 miles a day I am so sick of feeling fat! I know its all pretty much useless untill i get on the right dosage of meds for my thyroid but I have to feel like I am doing something to lose the wieght.
Still in the wait for having baby #5 Hoping when the next HA1C is done that its were it should be and that my RE will start my treatments again. In the mean time we are still trying on our own and praying that god see fit to bless us sooner rather then later.

On the kids front Bryan's speech has blossemed he is talking so well now! though I have to watch him closely now, a couple weeks ago he decided that he was going to wake me a new way which ment he climbed on my bed and jumped on me cracking my collar bone! I have not felt such pain in years. thankfully it is healing nicely and I am able to move my arm again with out wanting to scream.
Matt and Jazmine both got Pefect attandence awards for the first quater of school, I am so very proud of both of them! Danielle poor girl didnt get one as she got sick a few weeks ago and missed 1 day of school.
Matt is going into an orthodontist to have them look at his under bite its causeing him some discomfort.
And Jazmine will likely be having her Hemangioma Removed off the back of her neck it is getting larger and while she is tired of not being able to pull up her hair without comments, Her pediatrican is worried about it developing into something more then what it is so recomends it be removed sooner rather then later.

Nov is here and my arms are still empty

So we are in November and as the days go my heart is getting heavier, I should be getting ready to have a baby right now but because I lost that baby there is no baby to prephare for, I walk past the stockings in the store and think to myself I should be buying a new one this year, and then As I walk past the baby clothes the christmas outfits catch my eye and the thought passes through my mind I should be over there decideing which one to get, but Im not cause there is no baby to buy it for. My heart is hurting more then I let on even my husband doesnt know how bad im hurting. I dont understand why I keep loseing them, I thought the 1st miscarrige was hard and that when I got pregnant again that I would carry that baby and be holding him/her by mid November but my plans were dashed and Im still left with empty arms. I cherish my kids that are here with me and spend my time with them but I cant help but think of the 3 that have left me in the last 2yrs, what would they look like, what kind of temperment would they have? would they have there daddies Brown eyes or my blue, blonde hair or brown. Of course I wont know these things till I see them again in Heaven.....so In short my heart is hurting and I just am losing hope that I will ever have another baby. I found a poem that fits for me right now its not my poem but I thought it was Beautiful and it fits........
Today is the due date
For you to be born.
But all I have is
An emptiness to mourn.

Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is cold.

This should have been the time
For the anticipation of your arrival.
But no one seems to be remembering
To share in my grief or sorrow.

You were a life
Created from love.
You were a gift
That was sent from above.

Why couldn't you join us
To become a family of Seven .
You'd have had parents who loved you
And a brother whom you'd adore.

But Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is cold.

Grandma's birthday is getting nearer.
The date we told your brother you would be here.
Instead of excitement, joy, and celebration,
I shed yet another tear.

Your nursery is still the computer room.
Your bassinet is down in a box.
Your blankies remain folded
With your tiny baby clothes and your cute little socks.

There isn't a day that goes by
When I haven't thought of you.
Calculating how far along my pregnancy would be
Or how big my tummy would be getting, too.

But Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is cold.

I know that you have gone
To a much better place.
Knowing that the grace of God
Is shining on your face.

I see another baby.
I think of you then, too.
Wondering what you'd have looked like
As you giggle, cry, and coo.

But I will never know these things
Because you will never be here.
But in my heart you'll always be
My baby, my angel, my dear.

It doesn't make it easier.
For the pain I have is still here.
I will never forget you, my little one.
That fact remains quite clear.

But Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is still cold.

Dissapointed but I should be used to it!!

When will I learn? Thanksgiving is coming at the end of the month and my Mom said she was going to be here,well now she calls me today and say's that she wont be here till the 29th or 30 blowing the plans I had for making dinner and spending some time with her. Not that I am not used to this but when will I learn? when will I stop feeling like that stupid 10 year old little girl waiting for her mom to show up and then she never does? I am tired of feeling stepped on. My siblings she never lets them down always me always! she has done this to me since I was 6yrs old!!! you would think I would know by now after 21yrs not to get my hopes up to know that she is going to let me down again and again! I just dont understand her. I think back and every memory I have of her is one of dissapointment I barely know the women I lived with my father from the time I was 4 on and she never came to see me ever and every time she said she would she would flake out or not show up and I'd be sitting there waiting for her to come. I hate feeling like that little kid all over again. I guess eventually I will learn to stop hoping for the impossible that I will never have the mom I hoped for, all I can do is learn from this and pray I never make one of my kids feel this way that they will always know that they matter and that I will always follow through on what I tell them! Always!!!