Its been 2yrs

It had been 2 yrs now since I had my first loss and when I woke this morning I felt like it
was just yesterday that I had lost my precious baby........ I know that things get better but I
never thought that 2yrs later I would still have that empty hole in my heart. I still think of
the baby I lost and wonder boy or girl blonde hair or Brown, blue eyes or Brown? how would
there little personality have fit into our family.....of course I dont know these things and I never
will........I seem to be the only one that remebers today. my husband doesnt even recall....I guess I
cant fault him for that he is after all a guy and never been pregnant so I cant expect him to remeber things like this it doesnt hurt him the way it does me. So to my Dear sweet baby waiting
for me I miss you I love you and someday we will be together again.....

Im being Realistic this time.

Ok so today I finally recived some good news but I have to say I am not holding my breath
nor am I allowing myself to be hopeful that for once it may turn out right, this time I am
going to be realistic! I went in today and picked up my lab papers from my Endo and of course
Kidneys, cholestorol and everything PERFECT! then went and got my eyes checked still nearsighted but I knew that, was checked for Retenopathy and of course my eyes look great and still baffles the doctors that after 14yrs with Diabetes that my eyes have no issues at all, of course they wont I take care of myself and plan to live and see for a long time to come! with all of these results in hand I went to my final appt for today to the RE and figured we were just talking plan of care and waited for his next stall tactic, surpriseingly no stalling he says we can begin again with medicated cycles when my next cycle starts........then because i have had some bleeding issues he
decided to do an u/s to see what was going on and we found I am in the middle of my cycle ready to ovulate so I recived the trigger shot and now I wait for 2 weeks to see if Aunt flow finds me or if I get that ever elusive baby........but I also know that even if I manage to get the positive preg test doesnt mean I will have a baby after all two other times now I have gotten Preg and then had it all come crashing down around me so I am being realistic I am not hoping I am just waiting seeing what will happen....... I know what my heart wants but I still dont know that it will happen but I still have a hard time seeing Bryan as my last child I have the empty space in my heart and I still pray some day it will be filled but for now I just wait and see what happens next

Veronica

So today I was sent a song and it made me smile I didnt know there was a song
that had my Name soo I am going to try and post it on here for you all to watch =)

Jaz's Birthmark

Well I took Jazmine in for her appt with the dermatologist and to my surprise her
birthmark that I was told when she was 3 was harmless is actually a bit more serious then
what I was told...... her Birth mark, has gone deep enough
to get into the Vein and Artery system of her neck there are only a handfull of these things seen in kids her age so she is going to be sent to SanFransico to see a Doctor there who has done nothing but study these things, she is also going to be haveing an MRI to be sure there are no Brain leasions and to see exactly how this thing is sitting and what is Involved easiest route it is self contained and easy to remove, worst end of this it is wrapped around the spinal cord or the aterys and could be cancerous, obviously I am going with the easy route but prepharing for the very worst..... I could slap the doctor from when she was 3 I knew something was up and that Birthmarks dont just Raise up for nothing! and keep growing..... So now I wait for the referals and the appts to start and then the trip to Sanfransico thankfully I have Family that lives near by.....

Ever wonder about the past?

Ok so tonight's post is just a little different not so much about kids or ttc. but about what could have been, has there ever been someone in your life that you never relized how important they were or how much you needed them untill they were gone? not nessceraly desceased gone but just not an every day part of it, you go from talking every day and laughing and visting with each other to hardly ever speaking, I have and It bothers me, I poured my heart out long ago but was to late, i know silly cheesy story that you hear in movies or books sad part is I get to live it....Yes I love my kids and my life,I love my Husband so dont get me wrong there, and had things not gone the way they did I would not have what I have or be where I am but there are still times where my heart hurts and I wonder what if! what if I had fought a little harder to keep them in my life, but then I guess if I had I wouldnt be here I wouldnt be me now would I? I heard a song yesterday that triggered all these thoughts and I thought I would share it here,

If youre not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If youre not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
Well make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I dont want to run away but I cant take it, I dont understand
If Im not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I dont need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I dont need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If youre not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If youre not for me then why do I dream of you

I dont know why youre so far away
But I know that this much is true
Well make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in youre the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I dont want to run away but I cant take it, I dont understand
If Im not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
Cause I love you, whether its wrong or right
And though I cant be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I dont want to run away but I cant take it, I dont understand
If Im not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms?